Rhymes with a certain kind of cake.

Yes, there's a story.  No, it's not for you.

*  *  *  *

So you wanna start a knit blog! 

Well, honey, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it because you can't reason with crazy, however, I would like to offer a little friendly advice. 

01.  Spell check is your friend.

02.  Do not spam Ravelry with a link to your blog and expect to have ANYONE like you and/or read you more than once.

03.  If you ask for people to read your blog and give you feedback, do not argue with them.  "I know my grammar is bad, but it's too late to do anything about it now" and you're 12 is not going to make you any friends or fans.  However, it could get you mocked on someone else's blog.  *waves hello*

04.  Do not expect to have big deal blogger numbers.  EVER!  Most people never get hundreds of comments on every post, and trust me, that's for the best. Replying to comments is a huge time suck!

05.  Use spell check!

06.  When you have a finished object to photograph, FFS! clean the background area first!  Make your bed, then put down the sweater.  Do dishes and scrub the sink before showing off the dish cloth.  Clear a patch of carpet AND vacuum before laying out a schmata.  No one wants to know that you live in an animal or see your bong or know what kind of undies you wear.  Nor do you want people emailing around a link to your blog so they can all go to G+ and debate WTF is that thing in the corner of your photograph.

07.  While all projects cannot be winners, please try to own your tragic ones.  If you are overly proud of something that is clearly flawed, you could very well end up with an unfortunate nickname like the Tragic Sock for example.  (I still miss her and sort of wish she would update, but sort of not.)

08.  Also.  No one needs to see 15 photos of your afghan in progress.  Not even if you are wrapped up in it like there's a blizzard outside and your heat is out.  Nor do we need to see 25 FO photos of you in a sweater.  Trust me.  We know it's sweater.  Post one modeled shot, one flat shot and move on. 

09.  Which brings me to the unalienable truth of blogging that we all must keep in mind.  No one thinks you're nearly as interesting/smart/funny as you think you are.  Not your mother.  Not your cat.  Not the random dude in your bed.  NO ONE!  When posting, try to offer something for those people reading you can comment on.  Give them something or they may turn on you and that's never pretty.

10.  Which reminds me, do not email around to find out why people are not commenting on your blog.  People can smell the desperate.

/cleansing breath

Come back next week, my darlings, when Aunt Cranky will point out errors some etsy shop keepers have made.  Yes, it's going to be that kind of year.

Comments

[Karen]

Oh I love it when you're firing on all cylinders:)

[gayle]

That's my Cookie! <3 <3 <3
I've seen people starting blogs who can't string 3 words together without misspelling two of them. (And sometimes those 3 words also contain 2 grammatical errors, which is an impressive accomplishment.) I won't even start on the content...

[Jen B]

Ten more reasons why I don't blog. But I'm certainly glad that you're around to spread the cranky (that way I don't feel obligated to do it).

[Marilyn]

You're on a roll...can't wait for the etsy rules too! :D
xoxo

[Cheryl S.]

Oh, I can see this is going to be a hell of a year!
Yippee-ki-yay-mutherf*cker!

[Carole]

How's the weather over there? Heh. I always post way more photos of my FO's than that so I guess I'm going against your advice. Don't shoot me.

[Rachel]

1. I love the schmate! :)

2. You made it clear why I don't post too often,,,, thank you!

[kmkat]

Oops. But what if my vacuum cleaner is broken? And it is not the month in which I am scheduled to vacuum? /whine

[Stacey]

Loves!
It's been 13 posts since I read your blog. Sadness. Internet is being hooked up at teh new/old house Monday, so I shall be able to surf during construction and between fits of madness. (yeah, I'm going to have to call to explain that)
Hat lovely, Rachael made a lovely scarf/shawl do-hickey, earrings are beautiful. Can't wait to see socks. (speaking of, almost done with one!)
x0x0

[Anne]

Oooh! I cannot wait for the Etsy guidelines!

[Carrie#K]

Corn?

Don't listen to Aunt Cranky. I love trying to figure out WTH that is in the corner and mocking your housekeeping skills.

[Kelly]

Haha, I love that line from fight club: you are not a special and unique snowflake! I use it all the time. I think more people need to be reminded of that.

[kellys]

xo! makes me wanna go dig around Rav so I can share in the superiority!!

[Kitten]

Hey, if I manage ro finish a sweater, ALL SHALL LOOK UPON IT AND LOVE ME.

[elizabeth]

No. 6 is hilarious! And while 25 sweater pictures are overkill, I have to agree with Carrie. I think 5 is a good finished object photo shoot number! Which means, you cull 5 pictures out of 50 to find the most flattering.

[Joni]

Someone say cake .... :}

[Yarndude]

This is gonna be fun, I can tell.

[Beverly]

I'm no grammar grandma, despite my profession, but I do have expectations I'll read relatively error-free posts out here in blogosphere. It's never too late to learn a bit of grammar, and, hey, there's that spell check service you mentioned! Great post.

[Melissa McKee]

Useful info if I ever think I've actually got something that the world might want to hear.

Can't wait for the etsy list.

[Datagoddess]

Cake? Where's the cake?

And now I need to hunt something down on G+, obviously ;-)

[(formerly) no-blog-rachel]

O.M.G. Hilarious!

[Natalie]

Love! And I'm looking forward to the Etsy list.

[CindyCindy]

Oh, crap. Now, how do I get all those desperate emails back????? Good advice, girlie!

[Norma]

I'm so glad someone is taking up the baton that I seem to have dropped somewhere.... back there.... :)

[Helen]

LOL! Best post ever.

You rock! xoxo

[Brenda]

You noticed my bong?! Sorry, I'll move it next time ;-)

[marianne]

But... I LIKE cake!
Loved this whole post, giggling like a little school kid, the glee level was off the charts. :D
Now... let's have it about the Etsy!
XOX

[Sarah]

Oh, my. Yes, it does look like it will be quite the year.

xo

[gale (she shoots sheep shots)]

So true. So so so true. Go Aunt Cranky!

[Angie]

Wow. I hope that hit the mark. :D

[Melanie]

But what if my knitting is my undies - the special kind made from unicorn fur and all natural 100% beaver because I'm allergic to wool?